I've said and thought a lot of stuff for a long time. I guess sometimes I've been fooling myself about stuff I thought was real. Thinking that I'm doing something but really I'm not. I don't know. Sometimes I don't make sense to myself or believe in what I say. It's as if I'm watching another person in this body and convincing myself I'm the one in control. Kind of like a dream, if that makes sense. Maybe I've been on the sidelines of things for too long. I never involve myself fully with anyone, I'm too scared to because I'm afraid of being hurt I suppose. Maybe I'm supposed to be afraid and do it anyway. But then I'd feel like a fool if I did.

What I'm trying to say is that I've been quite contradicting of myself. Sometimes I've done or said something that I don't believe in and I've regretted it. So I'm doing this as a relief to try and straighten out things that I AM sure of.

Things I am sure I know or want;

-I very much want to be called Nick, even just as nickname. I don't like hearing my name all the time, I get tired of it. Besides, a nickname makes me feel a cute fondness.
- I want to cosplay, but I won't allow myself with the weight that I am. The only cosplay I will do is fur costumes where I am hidden (I will finish my Chocobo costume this summer I will make sure of it)
- I want to do medicine, help people and work in hospitals but I don't want to do it for the rest of my life. I want to be able to do acting and art down the line, maybe even have a family and do charity work.
- America is where I want to go. I can't imagine myself living anywhere in England as an adult. It makes me feel sick.
- I know I am Pansexual, and no one is changing it.

Things I'm unsure of;

- My health. I don't know if it will hold me back from being a doctor.
- My weight. I've tried so many times but it is stubborn to come off. I've spoken to doctors but some are reluctant to help me.
- My head. It isn't in the right place and it hasn't been for years, not since junior school. I just know there isn't something right up there, I just don't know what it is.
- Femininity. I have none, so why am I girl?
- My abilities. I'm not sure if I am good enough to be what I want to be. Wanting isn't enough in reality, you have to have the brains to excel. So do I have what it takes? I'm doubting myself from my last exams results of a C, E and U.

I think what I'm most afraid of what being unsure of myself might lead to is losing myself and becoming a monster. I know that it is there. Sometimes at random times I get images in my head of awful scenarios of things I could do. I have managed to shake them off so far but...I'm scared of losing to it. Of not meaning anything and just...disappearing.